My last journal mentioned wanting to get stronger, and I think I've found a way to start this off. But first, a short explanation into this. One of the primary reasons I want to be so much stronger is that I want to be able to engage in combat properly. (Hand to hand and sword) I'd give a long eloquent explanation, but really there's no need. I just want to be able to fight properly! I have a willing trainer, I just need the strength.

The main issue is my arm strength. Right now this is relatively poor. I trained in gymnastics for about 7 years, and in that time I was fairly proficient in bars, but now I can't even do a single chin-up. And, as you might imagine, it's frustrating now to not be able to hold a sword for half an hour or so without wobbling around. As if that weren't enough to give me inclination to train up, I have a BMI of something like 17, fairly underweight, but I eat a normal diet, so I think this is indicating a lack of muscle. Everything points to needing some training work.

Now, I don't have the money or time for a gym membership. I live a busy hectic lifestyle at times, so this is just an impossibility. I don't have the funds to invest in even the cheapest of home equipment either, so that is an impossibility also. But I managed to discover some wonderously simple plan which I think will get me a lot stronger a lot faster. It's aptly named the 'hundred push-ups plan' which means that I'm going to be doing an awful lot of push ups...

I'm going to tweak the regime slightly to fit me, I think I'm going to be doing it more intensively than suggested because I really need to build up this strength, and I think I rank very badly according to the plan's starting area.

So hurrah. Here comes 6 weeks of intensive push ups in the hope I might be able to do 100.

I raise my glass to lunacy. :D

The significant other. Not least because he is also my greatest friend.

Absolutely I do. And I have good reasons to.

You see, in nature, there are many instances of monogamy occuring in animals - more so in birds than mammals, but nevertheless, this surely proves that it is something intended to be. Ethnopsychologists have often stated that the animal behaving closest in terms of social behaviour to a human is a wolf. Wolves are, for the mostpart, monogamous. Thus humans too could easily have mean initially a primarily monogamous species.

I think the greatest issue here is the fact that as a species, homosapiens are untrustworthy, easily tempted, and weak. This means that more and more we are favouring a polyamourous society, something I don't agree with at all. Being able to remain loyal and faithful to one person through ones entire life not only shows strength of many kinds, it shows an ability to make accurate judgements about that which pleases the individual and about that which pleases another.

In short - yes, I do believe in monogamy!!

I've been so busy over the past month that I haven't had the chance to do much online. So, a few brief pointers on achievements since then.

• I finally finished my art course. It took 2 years of blood, sweat and tears, all too literally, but now it's done and finished. Over 200 pages of sketchpad work, 5 sculptures, 11 exhibition pieces lots and lots of hours, much much frustration, too many paintbrushes and two tins of studio gum and it's all done now. I get my grade in August. I really want an A*, but since this takes 98% to achieve, I would be overjoyed with an A. I'm planning to keep taking art for a few years yet, so plenty of time to keep drawing and making myself angry at proportions. Huzzah.

 

• World of Warcraft is on a temporary hold. Unfortunately I just couldn't keep up with both it and exam revision, and something had to go. Seeing as becoming better at World Of Warcraft won't help me get into university and exams will, it had to be forgotten for two months.

 

• I finally got a solid plotline for my novel, and am hoping to finish it over the summer. I still want to try and get it published. We shall see. I will then launch into a second, no doubt. Writing is still my passion, and I think it always will be.

 

• 6 GCSEs down, 16 to go.

 

• I need to go on a big expedition to Camden to stock up for next year, as I'm studying in an establishment with no uniform rules, save for basics such as must be relatively smartly dressed and nothing overly revealing.

 

• I'm thinking of investing in more tightlacing materials. I don't really need them, but I'm considering bothering to get my waist down an extra two inches to 20. Besides that, I like the feeling of being tightlaced, and my 22 inch is starting to feel less tight than it used to. 

 

• I have a prom later this year. Should be interesting. To be frank, I don't know if I particularly want to go anymore, but there are one or two small reasons to that keep me looking forward to it.

 

• Project for the summer - become a stronger person. No I have no idea how I'm going to go about addressing this, but I'm damn well going to suceed. Unfortunately, it's not something you can study books for, so it's going to be a little tough for me. Oh well.

 

• My retarded upside down catfish unfortunately snuffed it. 

 

• I have discovered that in the same way I obsessively love, I obsessively hate. I can't stop hating people at the moment. Somehow I actually get pleasure in hating them more and more.

 

• Finished compulsary education. Well done me. Now I have 2 more years of secondary and then up to 8 years of university education, not to mention occaisional courses and so on. Doesn't seem like a big achievement anymore if I'm honest.

And that's about it.

In other news, the neighbours just bought a hideous thing that looks like a picnic mat instead of the trees that used to be there - they chopped down the trees. In a further demonstration of tragic lack of taste, they have now painted their fence orange.

Morons.

Oh yes - and the weather is dire. I am wilting.

Moominmama!

She is absolutely lovely, but my favourite moomin character is still Snufkin, forever!

I know what I'm going to be watching tonight after I have done some work.

So very, very tired, but so perfectly, overwhelmingly happy!

I did meet up with him. Just moments after posting my blog, tidying up the laptop and gathering up my work to take home, found that I had a missed call registered on my phone, and so gave him a ring. He was finished with his business for the day, but said he had already gone home.

… just joking! (his words not mine, haha) He was waiting for me in town. Rushed out of school as fast as I could, ran down the road to town as fast as I could go, to the place by the river, on the big stone steps, where he was waiting for me. When I found him he was drawing. He could be an art student. I think he is fantastically talented. He is always very modest about his work to me, but I absolutely love it, and I love to watch him draw.

Spent a good few hours around town. Some time was spent just hugging by the river. We hug and cuddle like people who have only just realised their love. I am - and I think he is very much too- a tactile person. I love to be hugged and cuddled and touched. It was such a beautiful day too; light and sunny, but not too hot.

The time came to go home, as it always does.  I never tell him, but these times always make me feel a little sad inside. Well, not this time. As his train was leaving down the platform, just before he got too far away, he leant out of the window, called my name, and yelled really loudly ‘I love you!’ after me. Lots of people turned and stared. I just felt insanely warm and happy inside.  *^^*

That sort of thing only happens in the books I used to live in, in fictional worlds and on television screens. I live an absolutely fairytale existence.

Well, I have an exam tomorrow. I’m worried about it, but I am also very tired, so I think I might go to bed in an hour or so and catch an early night.

I want to ring him first though. :D

So I find out last night that my boyfriend is going to be going through the same town as me first thing in the morning, so we'll both be at the station at the same time. As it turns out, I actually have to be a little sneaky here. My train arrives at 7:41. It takes at least 15-20 minutes to walk to school. My school starts at 8:25 am, but his train doesn't even arrive until 8:28. (And no, this is not a maths problem for you to solve)

So I hang around for 45 minutes or so at the station, listening to a CD player - more on this later- and reading the free newspaper. After a while I start the act of pacing and going to wash my hands to make the time go faster. Anyway, his train finally arrives at about 8:31. Meaning that I am already late for school, but don't even care. I have always been a very good sort of a student when it comes down to things; always trying to stay out of trouble and abide by all the rules, but as it is I only have three and a half weeks left to do serious rulebreaking, so I considered that if nothing else, it was a rite of passage that I needed to undergo; missing some school in order to see one's boyfriend.

There are so many people on the train, and another comes in just minutes after, so I can't see him, and start ringing to ask where he is. As it turns out, he couldn't see me either so went straight to the front of the station. I go there, and he's waiting for me, looking - need I even say - absolutely stunning, as always. He has his hair down and his long coat on and looks absolutely like a gothic angel. Needless to say, this alone puts a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

He is going the same way as me, it turns out, so in the end we walk almost to my school before we part ways for the day. He might be finished in time for the end of the day, in which case, I might even get to see him again before I go home!

My life is a fairytale. ^^

Now; CD player issues. Tragically, my mp3 player departed last night. Somehow, it has managed to slip quietly into a state of frozen sleep, and refuses to warm up beyond the initial "Zen V Plus" loading screen. Thankfully, I have a three year warrant still valid, so I can go to get some sort of a replacement sometime this week, but nevertheless, as they don't produce this model anymore, I'm rather upset! And I am surviving on mix CDs burned hastily at 6am before I left the house and an old Philips CD walkman.

I have a french speaking exam tomorrow. It will be catastrophic... -.-

Well, my physics class ends pretty soon, so I'm off. I hope that he rings so I can meet him again.

Long may he live to squeak and be of use to maidens in distress on the mighty World Of Warcraft.

My old mouse sadly departed a couple of months ago, and so I went today in search of a replacement. The criteria for applicants was mostly unspecific; but the knight who would be accompanying my every computer adventure for the next few years needed to be strong of wire and pure of circuitboard heart. As for the aesthetics, well, only the most beautiful could join me on my quests.

So, introducing Sir Squeakalot. I have just found out that he glows, which is rather fun. His tiny little mouse innards light up excitedly when I plug him in, bless him. 

He is wired, much better than my old one, which used battery power and so had a hefty weight on my poor wallet and suffered lag.

Well... enough excitement for one night I think. I am back to my studies tomorrow...

After spending a very unrelaxing night in the terrible bed that I have in this Isle Of Wight house, I stumbled downstairs, barely functioning and very tired, to see that some James Bond film was on. Now, the new Casino Royale excluded, James Bond films do nothing but annoy me since my father went and bought 20 or so of the things on old VHS, and has had them crowd up the living room with their ugly bulk, and as if that were not enough, they are very tiresome now. So, about to complain that I'd rather turn the television off, I start to talk to my brother, only to have him laughing that the subtitles were the worst he had ever seen.

He was right.

A small selection of the bes=t, for entertainments sake. I believe that the reason they are so dire is that they are English translations from the Chinese subtitles, not directly from the film, so a chinese whisper effect has occured.

"Global warming is a terrible thing!"
becomes: "A horrible woman, a horrible weapon"

"Your momma"
becomes: "F*** you"

"It looks like your friends have bailed"
becomes: "You this f***ing bastard"

"James Bond"
becomes "Jenny Band"

It only makes me wonder what all of those subbed animes I watch are actually talking about... O.o

Went shopping to what had promised to be a small gothic retailer, on my doorstep - only to find it closed very recently due to the economic climate! Damn it to hell. The credit crunch is funding huge businesses like Starbucks, Sainsburys, Tescos and the like, and killing off the tiny English coffee shops, the good old fashioned butchers shops, and the gothic clothing retailers who just can't cope with the competition and small market. It makes me rather sad, to be honest.

Went to a massive games shop, my angel would have adored it. It was filled, top to bottom, with games and game merchandise - mario figurines, old Super Nintendo consoles, lots of anime, almost every game under the sun published for the UK market, and some imports too, WoW cards, all of those cables and adapters that used to take me hours of internet searching to track down... I found Breath Of Fire III for PSP, and thought I might buy it for him, as I know he loved Breath Of Fire IV. Thankfully, I got nervous at the last minute and rang just to check he didn't have it. He did. I'm waiting on a call back, as I said he could name any game he wants and I'll have a look out for it. But he hasn't called me back yet... I know that he said he's been trying to call previous days only to have my phone out of signal range, so unfortunately, that might be causing problems... that said, he does have skype, but I don't want to disturb him when he's on WoW. I know he enjoys it.

Speaking of him - he sounds a lot happier at the moment, which is fantastic. I hope that, with summer coming, we can have a good, proper summer together. My exams will be finished in just over two months, which is a scary concept, but will also mean a nice long break, no work. I really am missing him, just being here feels further away than I'd like to be... but to be honest, that's probably just me being pathetic. 

And speakign of World Of Warcraft... I have bitten the bullet. With my exams coming up... I'm going cold turkey.

Two months abstinence from WoW. Oh god... :s

I'm such an addict already that it seems impossible to go that long. But I must be strong... O.o

A little while ago, I had my hair professionally straightened for a few days, and absolutely loved it. My boyfriend could play with it, I finally got free from my constantly messy look - gets tiresome day after day - and it was just nice to have a bit of a change really. I look older, apparently, but I'm quite happy for that, I don't mind in the least bit.

So I have been sitting reading hair straightener reviews online ever since. Now, finally, it looks like I might get some! My boyfriend insists that I can borrow his, but I always feel awful about asking to borrow things. I got given some money as a gift, and after looking at lots of reviews, think I might be ordering these in the next few days;  Babyliss Straighteners I can't wait. I hope they come soon after I have ordered them! I may order so that they turn up on Saturday, meaning I can use them almost straight away. (No terrible pun intended...)

Well, I am now in the Isle Of Wight. Not that I was particularly pleased to get here. Some punks were relaxing out in the sun with a guitar, and starting singing some songs. Somebody started one with a line 'it's such a beautiful day', then looked at me, stopped singing, and made some comment along the lines of, 'oh, clearly the wrong song for the occaision?'

The woman who I tried to buy ice cream from was either an imbecile or just had no clue about health and safety. She handled the ice cream with the same hand as money, and goodness knows what else. No gloves, no cleaning, nothing. If I get ill, I may just sue her...

Downloaded Vampire Knight and Vampire Knight Guilty to watch on the way, and am 6 episodes into Vampire Knight as of yet. I love it - the storyline is good, and the characters are very attractively designed. I love the music as well, it's fantastic. I think I may well have finished the series by the time I get home. It is proving to be rather addictive. There is a nice amount of humour as well as serious plot, so it all balances out brilliantly.  If anything, I might complain that some of the characters act in irritating ways - the cute, flustered school girl image is starting to get wearing, I'll have to admit. But I love it nevertheless! The theme song is rather catchy too.



Also, it's given me inspiration to get on and write some more Markkus tonight... :3

Chips Challenge.

My god did I adore that game when I was younger. I must have clocked up days worth of time completing level after level.

I never once in my life have had a dental problem. My mouth has always been perfectly fine and healthy.

... that is, until the clever dentist tried to remove some built up tartar or whatever it was (not a bother, but he said he might as well do so, so I was more than fine with it) last Wednesday and, as a result, my mouth has been sore for days.

I'm not quite sure what hurts the most; my mouth or the hideous, hideous irony of it all. :(

Happy Easter, in other news. Everyone remembered I eat dark not milk chocolate, which was rather nice of them, so I have a small stash to be eaten waiting upstairs.

Holiday tomorrow. One week of utter hell. Hopefully there is wifi... the salvation of all.

wifi. My knight in shining router. :D

Hope that vampire knight downloads in time for tomorrow, I want to watch it on the ferry...

Today we went for a walk in the woods.

It was just magical. Apart from when we came across some houses and some boys messing around, it could have been, for all I knew or cared, only us in that forest. Just the peace and quiet was magical. I wish I'd brought my photography equipment. He looked fantastic today. Fishnet shirt and his hair looked the best it has looked for a while, really great. A gothic angel in the middle of a beautiful forest - it begs for photography. (And I mean proper, 35mm SLR work, none of this digital nonsense. Useful for animals and whole day shoots etc, but for art I feel that 35mm is still the only way.) We need to take more pictures soon. I love having him model for me. =)

It felt so good to be held again. I am going away on Monday for a few days, and though I usually only see him once or twice a week, so it will hardly be unusual, I know I am going to miss him so, so much. I really hope that he has the mobile which gives him free calls to me so we can have some of our long, late night calls again. Those are such great memories.

Played some games, which was so much fun. Guilty Gear on wii, sonic, and Naruto on the wii. All good fun. I think my favourite was guilty gear. I hope we can start playing more of these games in future, it's so much fun.

Got given a really nice pair of trousers (my grandmother will be very dissaproving, she says that it is not proper for me to accept gifts of clothing from young men. They have buckles all down the sides, and fit really nicely. I am going to enjoy wearing these, I know it. They are coming on holiday with me.

I feel so loved today. A perfect end to today would be to fall asleep, and wake up tomorrow, with him. I know I won't be getting that wish for a long time. But I really want to get it one day.

This song played in his car on the way home (speaking of which - maybe he will be driving soon, I'm not sure, but I really, really hope so, so maybe we can go for car rides together. ^^) This has been in my head for ages but I could not remember the song...

Feels like just watching the clouds roll by.

p.s. I got an easter present. I feel so loved! :3

For a long time I felt it was hard to talk to anybody about my problems. I told my characters through the stories I had them tell. Instead of telling my problems, I acted them out through words.

Until, one day, in a mood, I accidentally met somebody in a CD shop.

Almost instantly, though I don't think I told him at the time and in truth probably never have to date, he became somebody I could truly tell how I felt. I never really felt any need or desire to hide anything from him, be it feeling or viewpoint or consideration.

My best friend in the world. :3

Got up at ate some of the left-over cake crumbs from yesterdays baking catastrophe. I was going to make him another this morning, but I forgot to buy any jam or chocolate filling, so unless I can be hugely imaginative, it may not be possible! If it isn't, I will have to try and remember to make him one next time...

Hopefully I will be going to see him in just a few hours. I am checking the train times right now. I would have been up there already, given the chance, but as things stand, I have a dentist appointment. I never used to mind dentists - I have never once in my life had a dental problem, so it is merely checkups, but nevertheless - I mind them now! I do not like having somebody poke about in my mouth.

Listening to the Dream Theater album reminds me of meeting him. The day after, or perhaps two days after meeting him, I borrowed this album from the library and listened to it all day, wishing he would call me again! Such great memories. I cannot quite remember why I chose them, I have a feeling it was something to do with Sonata Arctica, one of my very favourite bands. (Speaking of whom - a new album is apparently due in September! How fantastic!)

Whilst going on a walk with my young cousin yesterday, he prompted me to tell him about my book. (He is very mature for his age of 11.) I described the characters to him; their traits and loves and loathes, and some of the escapades which I plan for them to get up to. He seemed genuinely rather interested in it, which was very encouraging, and, even better- I perfected my character problem! Anise is too weak, I know this. I have written the other two characters for getting on for about 28 months now, so they are very strong, but Anise I have written for 5 months or so, and have never been happy with. I found another character on that walk, one who I assume will take her place, though they may simply be found side by side, I am yet to decide on such matters. Nevertheless - developments are always great for me!

I really should get up and work before my appointment but the temptation is to just go to sleep again... or read manga. Or watch the end of blood+ online. Hm.

Lupus.

I just want a planet named like that. I would name it Sirius, but that is already taken by the constellation.  =D
                 
                                                                       

I hate you. I truly, truly hate you. I cannot understand your jealous immaturity. Do you have some sadistic obsession deep within your mind that craves to cause more and more hurt? I cannot even express how much I despise you. Hatred of you keeps me determined to fight, to keep working just to be better than you, because you are filth. You can have your pretty looks and artistic merit, but it will never again make me wish even for a moment that I was the slightest bit akin to you. I would hate to be anything like you.

And now, aside from that, to you; I love you. More than words could ever say. I love the way your voice goes soft when you are tired and you are telling me how much you love me. At times it makes me smile so much that I start to cry. I am so lucky to have met you, and, it goes without saying though these were your words to me originally; I never take you for granted. I just want to be in your arms. I am sorry for times when I overreact, like today. I really did try hard to come and see you. I made you a cake too - I will bring it tomorrow when I come to visit... and this time will remember to buy a filling for it! (later apology/confession; I left it in the tin for too long. It went a little hard and crunchy, so I hope you will forgive me, I ate it. I will make you another one for tomorrow!)

I'm sorry for what I did today. It felt that I hurt you more than I hurt myself. I promised you to never do it again, and I will fully stick to that promise. It was so hard to tell you about my moment of stupidity because it was embarrassing. I am glad I did. You let me wake up to a new day and start over anew.

You said something last night about how you have been giving me a little less attention lately - and yes, I did notice a little bit, but in truth, I just love every moment we have, no matter how long or short. I love it when you call me, and I love everything about you. And I know that you are special beyond anything. You are my fairytale, my gothic prince to come and steal me away from the world. With you it feels I could do anything. Which is why I will try and try and try to get really good exam grades. I want to make you proud of me.

All I want is to love you forever! x

That is all.

Had a fantastic evening. End of school for two whole weeks! I went to see him. The sun was shining, and even though I am usually a little sceptical of it shining so brightly, I really enjoyed taking the walk to his house. I got there to find that he had been worrying about me because the train had been delayed for 10 minutes and I forgot to let him know. Just a silly little thing that made me realise that he really cares about me, so it makes me ever so happy!

Played a little World Of Warcraft. He explained the private server business to me properly. It turns out that what she told me about her 'illegal private server' was mostly incorrect anyway, and it sounds like I will be having a better time than her anyway. Then went outside in the lovely spring evening. We waltzed around the garden. Played Zone Of The Enders again! I love it! I want to get better at it, but to be honest, it's great fun even to lose, so I don't mind. Had a fantastic shepherds pies for tea, yum yum; then time for a couple more games of Z.O.E before a nice little cuddle time. ^^

Came back home and was given even more food! Chips and a lemon muffin. Well, I shan't complain, I like to be treated every once in a while... ;) Also, had the best bond with my little brother that I have ever had. We usually get on horribley, but tonight we were laughing together at so many things; namely Serj Tankien albums and some awful film he saw today called 'knowing' or something similar, I forget.

A little tired now, but time for a few levels on WoW before bedtime methinks! ^^ And perhaps I might visit my Angel tomorrow as well, especially if the weather is sunny.

Such a good day. =D

I found out today that the laziest girl in my art class has joined World Of Warcraft. I cannot believe this! She does not have time for it, she never does any of the work for the course, so why is she spending her time on online games? I play WoW because I like the relaxation time, but I work hard and play hard. I did 58 pages for my last project (final count!) whereas she did about 10. The same size of sketchpad. It frustrates me that she does not even try! When she fails it will be all her own fault, but it is still demoralising for everyone else on the course, who puts in a lot of effort!

As if this were not bad enough, she says she will be playing on an illegal, free private server. This means, apparently, she pays nothing for it. This costs Blizzard, and means that the experience of the other players can be ruined. Why can't people just accept that sometimes, programs, games, whatever, need to be paid for?! She never pays for anything! She gets every program on her machine through dubious disks and downloads and keygens, whereas, to my knowledge, most people in this world just get the money to pay for it. Now, it would be hypocritical of me not to mention that I have had the occaisional download or so, but hers must easily be in excess of £1000 actual money!! Free photoshop, free office, free Wow, free games... It is not fair! I think she is just too lazy to work to get the money to pay. It would figure.

She is a waste of time. If she thinks this WoW manouvre will impress me, she's wrong.

"You can level faster on a private server!" she says.
Well guess what, I level at a normal rate and enjoy every minute of it. You can level as fast as you like, it won't mean a thing to me, because you're not playing the game properly, and besides; when we get the marks for our art course, we'll see who's laughing. -.-

2 hours left until holiday!